hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
