Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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