theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
