My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
