You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
