i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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