I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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