She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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