i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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