and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
