the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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