Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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