textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
