Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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