you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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