i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
