I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
