Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
