In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
