3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
