six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
