Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Farmville is her only friend.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
