Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
