After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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