Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
