i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
