2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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