I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
