I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I smell like Dick and happiness
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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