Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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