you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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