omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
