You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
