I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
babies were throwing up all over the place
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
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Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
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he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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