you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
