is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
