the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
