I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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