i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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