I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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