I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
