i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
