apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
