We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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