She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
