Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
