I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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