Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
