I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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