my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
