Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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