hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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