i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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