I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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