I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
