Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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