oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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