Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
