So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
