My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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